Broken But Not Forever
by Skittles1
Summary: Aya’s POV after the series as she reflects on what she has gone through and what she will do in the future. In a way, she is also talking/writing to her mother. I think you’ll understand if you read. ^^;


**Author's Note: **I don't own Ayashi no Ceres. This is another one of my on-the-spot inspired short fic, written after I finished my STAR testing and finished while baby sitting. ^_^;; It's just so much fun to write about Ayashi no Ceres! The characters develop and change so much, enduring so many hardships. It's written from Aya's POV after the series as she reflects on what she has gone through. In a way, she is also talking/writing to her mother. I think you'll understand as you read. Please enjoy and review!

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**_~* Broken But Not Forever *~_**

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**By: Lauren**

Something broken, something lost. It's gone; gone forever. What is forever? Always? Ongoing? How sure are you that it won't end? Does it last until the end of time? But does time ever truly end either? So does forever never end, no matter what? Even if the world disappeared at this very moment, forever would still be on going. Time would still be endless. Even if everybody were gone, eternal forever and time would still exist. 

I've been in here forever it seems. Sitting, waiting in the constant darkness. Always dark. It is forever dark, a never-ending abyss that is empty yet full of darkness. I smile; I always do, because I promised you that I would. I also promised Aki that along with dad. I promised I would live, even if in pain, I would smile, even if it were hard. Always against the world. Am I against the world or is the world against me? I'm not quite sure but I do know I'm always against the taunts and cruel jokes as I fight to hang onto my sanity. The things I've seen- the things I've heard, it is unbelievable, disgusting and utterly horrible. It would make you writhe in pain and make your stomach churn. It fills me with terror- a fear that I cannot begin to describe. I don't know how I hold on. 

Maybe it is hope to see Aki and father again one day? To stay forever with Tooya? To stay surrounded by love? To enjoy the long days like I used to with you, mother? I do not know. I have changed so much; in physical appearance only a little bit and but inside I am a different girl than you once knew. I am not the happy-go-lucky sixteen-year-old girl. I feel I am old, that I have aged into that of an old woman. The things I have experienced, the things I have learned through hardships, toils and troubles have molded me into this being, this person I am now today. After all that has happened, my restlessness for adventure has begun to disappear once and for all. I am happy with the calm, peaceful life that I now have. I do not find enjoyment in the things I used to do, I find myself unable to discover that old rapture once again. Singing karaoke with my school friends, reading a good romance novel, sitting in father's office at home and working for a little allowance, those are things of the past to me. When I try to do them again, it is not the same. I would much rather sit outside in the grass and be silent. I would like to stare off into the sky or towards the ocean, with a soft breeze caressing my skin, the grass tickling my feet, the warmth of the sun shining down on me, with Tooya sitting next to me, his hand resting lightly on top of mine. That is where I find myself happiest- a place where I can remember what has happened and slowly face my past pains. 

I find myself happy being able to enjoy the peaceful little things, whether it is inside or outside or with Tooya or not. I know that I always have someone with me, whether it is in my heart or if they are by my side. I cannot stand the humble jumble of the world- people getting upset over somebody cutting them off on the road or angry because a friend offended them with a silly comment. That is not for me anymore. I won't get worked up over stupid, insignificant things. I would much rather be living life to its fullest. I am but an old woman in a child's body. Mature with the sights I've seen and the things I have been forced to face. I have grown up all too fast yet at the same time, I accept that. When warm love and happiness is ripped from you and you are left alone and cold, it is hard. You know the feeling of joy and contentment, yet you cannot find it anymore. You sit there, waiting for someone or something to come before you…

–SNAP-. 

Whoops.

Careful. You must hold on with everything inside of you.

I've grown callous towards all the death and the blood in a way. It is everywhere. It cakes my hands in layers- forever there. And remember, forever is always until the end of time, which will never occur. After one has seen so many die, seen so much death, they harden their heart to it in order to protect themselves. Although I know that no matter how much I try to protect myself, every death will tear part of me away. So I try to talk, of everything. I try to act normal or something of the sort, because if I were to think of what I've seen, then…

-SNAP-

would happen. I'd lose the sanity I have left. Maybe in the future I'll be able to face these memories; these horrid moments I've lived through, and not fall victim to them. Maybe then I will be able to carry my own burden. Until then, I will walk on with my dearly departed loved ones by my side and in my heart. The memories are too painful for me to handle at this very moment, but I will never lose them. Even when I am on my deathbed, sickly, old and frail, I will remember them as if it all occurred only yesterday or a few hours ago. So now, I will gather them together in my mind, every detailed second, and store them away for a little while. I will grow stronger and then, open the drawer again, unwrap the package and let the memories flood me over once more. But by then, I will be strong enough to endure them always- to endure the pain the memories bring and not lose myself to them. I want to believe that. 

I _have to believe that._

So many people I cared about, so many people who cared about me. Gone, gone to ashes, carried away in the wind. But I will remember. I will never forget, every memory will haunt my mind, night and day, whether it is good or bad, no matter how much I try to lock them away. Sometimes, it is worse then nightmares. Sometimes, I take solace and relief in my normal nightmares or dreams. Sometimes, the nightmares mix with the old days before my world went spinning, the days I miss. I have grown so much since then, without my childish antics, and yet sometimes I believe that it has been for the better. Is it better to be naïve or not? I am unsure of the answer to that question. Somehow though, I fear if I were to forget the many bad memories, the good memories would disappear also and I can never allow that to happen. I owe this much to the dead. To always carry their memory, to always remember them, even when the world has forgotten. I will live for them too.

Tooya said he will help me carry my burden also, but I cannot allow that. It is mine and mine alone. If I cannot carry it now, how can I carry it in the future? Tooya could even be gone then too, although I pray not. He has been one of my lasting strengths and comforts. I will raise our child with all I have, to teach it the love of our world. Not the terror, not the bloodshed that can cover ones soul with eternal darkness nor the hate. Not what I've seen, no, not ever. Here we are again, back to my forever. 

I want my child to learn things, to experience things, whether it is pain or rapture. There is too much to live for than to die for. You shouldn't spend so much time trying to understand things because during that time, things might pass you up. Do not take normal life for granted. Savior it, because it can all change in an instant, whether it be for better or for worse. A fraction of time. That on-going time that never waits for you. Live no matter what. Smile for whatever you have, no matter how little it is, it is still there. 

Tooya. Our child. Yuuhi, Aki, Chidori, Suzumi, Shuro, Mom, Dad, Miss Q, even those who died involved in the C-project. I live for all of you and myself. No matter what. I won't lose to my terror, my fear of all that has happened, even of my fear of living all alone. But that is silly, isn't it? I'm never alone; I know all you guys are watching over me. My once normal world has spun and dove and went insane. Crazy. Into the black abyss, into forever darkness, carnage, death, abnormality, insanity and pure chaos. What to hold on to? Memories. More memories that always remain in my heart forever, not that I mind. I will not lose to all the chaos, darkness, the forever abyss, and the blood. I will live with it, for it can never just disappear, but I will learn to stay away from it. I will learn not to lose to it or turn into it. For all of you. For Tooya too and our child. 

Our child will know the joys that the world can give. It will live, love and experience thousands of emotions because that is all we can have in this world. Intangible things yet they are the most important- the most enduring and the most vital things in life. They can save a person or kill them.

I want it to save me.

I will never lose to the darkness, for darkness can never extinguish a light. 

I will shine.

I will shine brightly for all of you, always and **_f o r e v e r_**_…_


End file.
